Monday, August 8, 2011

BREAKING - Upgraded, AAA Rating Re-instated? What does it mean?

BREAKING: Major rating services announced today, after protracted deliberations, to upgrade and re-instate the AAA credit rating for the United States. In concurrent press releases it was also announced that most of the other G8 sovereign states - Canada, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, and the United Kingdom - would consequently be upgraded to the newly introduced AAAA Platinum Plus rating standard. France announced that it would unilaterally migrate over to the more desirable Michelin Guide service after learning that they qualified for 5 Stars. The AAAA Platinum Plus rating means, for the upgraded Group of Six, access to reduced monthly fees and one million free air-miles, which should substantially reduce costs of travelling to the next G8 meeting, (although it is unlikely it will be held in France due to accommodation price increases related to their 5 Star status). Warren Buffet is quoted as saying the US deserves a AAAA rating because it's, well, because it's still the USA ...OK? Insiders though insist that Buffet's AAAA lobbying are more probably linked to his current efforts to corner the world air-mile futures market.

In related news, China announced that it would divest itself of $1.2 trillion dollars in U.S. government notes and quickly transition to Venezuelan Bolivars (VEB) as it lobbied amongst other Group of Five and G20 members to establish the Bolivar as the new standard for international currency trading. A spokesperson for the Chinese government, who can not be identified for fear of torture and lifelong house arrest, revealed that China will replace gold as a hedge against currency fluctuations by taking a more profitable, "organic and vegan" approach by aggressively seeking to wrest control of the world opium market from other south east Asian regimes combined with the armed occupation of Afghanistan following the NATO withdrawal of troops in the region.

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